From me to you:
I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on how much time and energy highly sensitive and neuro-divergent people spend masking their real needs and feelings, trying to fit in, belong and not be a burden. It's been a thirty year journey for me to get to feeling relatively at ease with who and how I am. I'm sure I'm not the only one. As neuro-divergent individuals a lot of what we long for is to be treated with acceptance and kindness as we treat others. Many of us thrive in nature, because even if there are no other people, nature is at least peaceful and not harsh or unkind. It doesn’t judge and lets us be without question.
Given that animals don’t have this problem of finding themselves unacceptable or wrong, even when they are different – one eyed, three legged, deaf, needy, anxious etc. all just get on with it – why do humans waste so much precious life trying to be something else? There are scientific studies showing that one in five cats for example are highly sensitive – ie they have a different nervous system – just like 20% of the human population. And yet highly sensitive cats don’t get judged or deemed inconvenient by their fellow litter mates. I have observed their behaviours for years myself and the same kind of discrimination simply doesn’t exist. The question this raises for humans is how can we stop being divisive and come together based on commonality and acceptance of one another? And help each other thrive much as many animals and plants do. We are seemingly intelligent enough for it to be possible and now seems like a good time.
I feel that a lot of the answer probably lies in questioning and changing social norms. My sense is that parents can play a huge part. It inspires me. The ones that need to shift are the social norms of what a good, normal person looks like, feels like and behaves like. The skills they have, their habitual work and leisure activities, having a family and so on. The training to conform starts well before school. The problem is that for many children (and adults) those ideals are outside of themselves and don’t relate to personal lived reality. External norms will always create comparison and a feeling of competition, or being less than and not enough. It can’t do otherwise. And in that context we are also placing the emphasis on someone external to decide when and how we are considered worhty or successful. Or we feel that we are somehow broken and need to fix ourselves first. All of this is crazy-making because we are only what we are, and we can't be any other - if instead we were to focus on what we can do, can create, can contribute we are already SO much. Each one of us. And yet those attributes get overlooked in favour of a cookie cutter standard by which all are judged as lacking – or all but a very few. So this week’s article is about how much power parents have to appreciate their children exactly as they are, rather than how they are told they should be. In other words: how we can live with and appreciate people of all kinds, including those with neuro-divergence, by taking off our cultural goggles of expectation and finding peace with seeing afresh how each child or person actually is. I want to offer a suggestion that a world where children are raised and reminded constantly to express their authentic selves is not only necessary but more than possible. In fact it is essential. And just a heads up, today is the centre of the energetic Lion’s gate portal, a portal connected with stepping into our authentic selves. It coincides with Mercury retrograde which started on Monday and goes until the 28th of August. Even if you don't "believe" that these planetary events influence us you may be noticing that you and your children have more need for downtime, emotional regulation and less emotional tolerance generally. You and your children may have less capacity than usual for noise, change in routine and challenges. So please be gentle with each other.
ARTICLE: Bin getting it right and being good – time to refocus on being real and finding peace with it. Parents – do you dare?
Introduction
If we are interested in creating resilient children who know their worth and apply their strengths and talents to be creative then there is only one place to start – the essence of child themselves. This goes counter to mainstream educational ideals on the whole (excepting Waldorf and Steiner etc.) because instead of focusing on a series of learning outcomes we are looking to develop the child’s innate capacities and interests. This article sets out to show how this can be done in practice and why it is essential for sensitive, ADHD and any kind of neuro-divergent children to have a chance at self–esteem and a happy productive life. It also has big implications for a shift in perspective and focus of their parents in daily life, and a shift in values and expectations. We are arguably at a point of global crisis right now where we need to put our efforts towards allowing the new generation of creative, social and technical leaders to come through directly in their authentic expression. So how can we facilitate this as parents?
What is normal anyway?
To take a deeper look at what really matters in parenting and the profound effects parents can have, we need to ask some hard questions. To dig deeper. Any parent who asks themselves what they resent about the way they were treated as a child both at home and at school can get closer to real answers. What were you annoyed at having to do that you didn’t want to? What interests did you have that were not encouraged? Was your temperament honoured? Did you feel accepted and seen, encouraged and supported in what mattered to you?
Taking these questions as starting points we can ask ourselves how far from the particular “normal” that was upheld in our childhood environment we found ourselves. And how far from normal we feel in our current everyday life and work environment. Most people don’t realise that when they read a book about child development and what different children do at different ages there are very few children who actually meet these criteria. They are generalisations. As such they are actually fictional. In the Steiner system the age or stage at which a child will learn to read, write, add up for example are linked to tooth development – which makes more sense than a generalised age marker. It’s still not a perfect standard to go by. The real question is do the standards benefit the developing children? Or do they just create anxiety and expectation for the parents?
Comparison to something you can’t do or an ability you don’t have makes you feel less than. And nearly always negates the things that you are or can do. Is this a sane or helpful way of assessing children’s abilities and progress? Well probably not, if we take into account that having a sense of worth – ie feeling good about oneself, acceptable and accepted is a primary condition for any kind of learning, authentic relationship, socialising, creativity and so on. We could be asking how happy, creative, playful and engaged children seem. There are so many ways to gauge wellbeing other than purely outcome based.
The problem is that teachers with a curriculum or parents looking for developmental stages are looking through tainted or skewed lenses. They can’t see the actual child in front of them and how they are, what they are interested in, because they are searching for a load of tick boxes and crosses that don’t really exist. What the child mostly feels or experiences is judgement, failure and criticism or random approval. None of these support their actual sense of self by acknowledging their being. They don’t feel like love and acceptance. They are all focused on their doing. So they miss the foundational aspect of child development – providing a healthy and safe sense of emotional self and core identity. “Me”. OK as I am. A me that is loved and taken care of no matter what. When a child gets graded at school their whole focus is being put onto something external from themselves, which they learn is associated with their worth. An A or a C- for example. But this has nothing to do with their essential worth as a person. Which stems from the fact that they are unique and they exist. Are they kind? Observant? Gentle? Honest? These are examples of secondary attributes that actually matter and need to be acknowledged and verbalised – but again, not everyone has all of them nor should they have to. They do feature at least in some homes and schools but are secondary usually to practical and intellectual achievements. But is this really the way forward?
Normal as a set of criteria
There does seem to be a big divide in the population between the neuro-normal for whom and by whom the society is constructed and governed, and the neuro-divergent who function along different lines and are diverse and different. However neurological differences are on a continuum with clumps or bunches of behaviours, difficulties and attributes. People who can fit into the boxes and conform to a 9-5 work life with a mortgage and family count as normal. Even if they become alcoholic, have a breakdown at 50 and divorce. This is often normalised too. These norms are social values, not reality. I am referring to things like noise levels, chemical perfumes and cleaning agents used that people are allergic to, bright lights, visual stimuli, crowded work environments etc. Many people are unaware that this “reality” can be changed or shifted by us. The point is that one set of criteria have been defined as average or general whereas the rest are judged and misunderstood – often though in need of correction or improvement. It is nobody’s fault if a chemical perfume gives you asthma or makes you gag – its actually an adaptive survival response that can for example detect a fire before you burn, keep you from eating spoilt food etc. People with these differences are at best misjudged and at worst ridiculed and ostracised. I have been wondering for a while if this has something to do with the fact that neurodivergent people can’t conform on the whole to normal living practices and are much more difficult to control. But this is not a political article.
Accompanying instead of judging - How about taking a broader viewpoint?
Reality is that everyone is how they are born. They develop their talents and innate skills if they find opportunities to either explore for themselves in a supportive environment, or someone who sees them and helps support their interest or direction. Others learn that their interests are wrong and attempt to push themselves as round pegs into square holes only to find they don’t fit and nothing works. Then often they are called neuro-divergent. Whilst they in fact just work in a different way which is not what was generally required or expected. The current school and work system is arguably skewed to support neuro-typical children and correct or block neuro-divergent ones. Kinaesthetic children are a good example of this – they can’t sit still and learn best whilst moving or physically engaged – kneeding dough or throwing a ball, running or skipping. They often get labelled as fidgets, ADHD or disruptive and drugged so that they can concentrate. But approached in a different learning style they can do extremely well without drugs. The point here is that the expectations and methods are the problem not the children themselves.
The list is endless. Highly sensitive children are not suited to concrete and echoing rooms in city schools. They can’t eat processed diets or their moods crash. They need nature, space and quiet to learn – gentleness, breaks and a lot of creative activity. Children with proprioreceptive deficiencies need physical stimulation and touch, rough and tumble play on the other hand. Every child is different.
What if as parents and also teacherswe were to accompany children in observing and responding to what they need, instead of categorising, labelling and trying to correct and teach a generalised standard? It’s not such a radical idea, and yet the programming to want and expect a certain outcome seems very deeply ingrained.
Praise and punishment reinforces conformity and destroys self-esteem
No child is good or bad. Their behaviours can be seen as such but it depends where they come from. If a child has a melt-down because of sensory overload or low blood sugar then the mistake or failing is mostly that of the adult who doesn’t realise in advance what is going on and doesn’t know how or cant support the child to stabilise.
Anything that points a young child only towards external goals will focus them outside of themselves and reinforce the idea that there is a goal to achieve in order to be worthy. Rather than just being inherently worthy by exisintg – which is real self worth. Creating self-esteem in your children is not about praising what they are good at and comparing their abilities to what they cannot do yet. This is a habit created by a controlling society and the needs of a school culture with 30 children per class. Real self-worth is created by acknowledging the unique being they are and how that expresses themselves in how they move, speak and act. Really we are talking about a perception of love – love feels accepting, gentle, kind, non-judgemental and consistent. If this is what we transmit to children regardless of how they behave, they will feel and know their own value. This needs to form the foundation of both parenting and schooling or education. It is more important than what is taught or learnt.
Norms and Standards vs interests and Passions – building self-worth
Asides from distinguishing between doing and being – which is primary in creating self- worth, we can also consider what children are expected to be able to learn and do. And why so little emphasis is put on what they are interested in, drawn to, and show enthusiasm for. In what kind of culture or society could it make sense for children to be constantly directed away from their natural leanings and towards something else? What kind of lack of trust would this show to the individual? And yet even as infants often children are directed in their play rather than allowed to play with what and however they want. Why? The cultural and conditioned agendas of what is expected and what will be required of them later on to “survive” and “function” in mainstream society. Surely this indicates by any reasonable logic that the social values do not serve the society? What about enjoyment and sense of satisfaction, pleasure, purpose and plain joy in being alive? What about developing natural talents and inclinations to their fullest? The current system or view on child-raising and education is so far off track in so many ways that there are more questions than answers. Not least because the parents and teachers have all been through that same system and are trained to uphold it.
Conclusion
If parents can learn to see their children through the lense of authentic being and support what they are naturally drawn to and able to do rather than forcing them to be like everyone else, they have the power to contribute to a much more powerful humanity. One where people don’t spend years fighting to change how they are. Not to mention one that is more aligned with life itself. The idea that we should be or become different from our inherent nature with which we are born arguable has no logic. Parents have the power to transmit a sense of the value of their children’s direct and personal expression to them and help them to enter the adult world as powerful leaders in aligned self-expression. To put it simply, real inalienable self-esteem is based in a felt sense of one’s own worth irrespective of what one does. This is instilled by love and acceptance, not by goals, targets, accomplishments and praise as often suggested by parenting models and school agendas. The latter divide and pull attention outside of the individual, rather than directing it inside where real satisfaction in being oneself and expressing unique talents lies. As adults and parents our degree of inner connection and self-worth will be reflected directly by the children who mimic our brain patterns as they grow up – so adults have to lead the way in this process. My hope is that the above article will help you reflect in a compassionate way on where you find yourself, and the profound power that you personally have to affect the future trajectory of humanity, and to be a constructive example.
COOL RESOURCE
Mercury retrograde is free and happening to everyone now – from 6th to 28th August is a wonderful opportunity for slowing down, turning inward and listening to dreams and intuition. You could spend some time every day noticing your body sensations and if you can, take heed of your dreams and intuitions. In the middle of the retrograde there is a day of stillness where new ideas can seed from your contemplation, and movement can begin to take place in your life and family.
UPCOMING EVENTS
I have one opening for working with a family from September. If you think this may be you, please send me an email and we will schedule a free call.
CONNECT WITH ME
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Blog: www.mirawatson.com/blog
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