From Me to You

Getting to know my new partner’s children little by little, I was struck again by how important it is to allow and support children in being who they already are. No accident that I was landed in a family where every individual is not only highly sensitive but also neurodivergent! Rather than judging or teaching I have to keep reminding myself to feel, observe, accept and stay curious, to figure out how each one of these children works and what motivates them. What interests them. I’ve been really happy to notice a good robust degree of self-confidence and self-understanding in these children which indicates their parents have done and admirable job in accepting and supporting them. They have a good foundation in life... 

To learn about who you are and what interests you, you need free space to explore. And to have your own experience without interference. For neurodivergent kids who are different the tendency to take on judgment and criticism for not being “normal” is huge. And for highly sensitive children this is even more the case because they pick up on external demands and expectations so acutely and tend to put themselves aside to conform to a perfect image. They also need more time and space to process the wealth of sensory and emotional information that they pick up. Coming into the summer months where longer evenings, outdoors and fun activities can uplift even the most reticent amongst us there’s a big opportunity to allow children to explore freely outdoors and follow their instincts more. Does the idea of this fill you with anxiety? Or do you feel confident that your children can handle themselves and that you know how to guide and direct them if necessary? It’s all in the balance between the mind and the intuition, and the connection with your own body – the topic of this weeks article.

ARTICLE 

What is ground-breaking about Embodied Parenting?

Introduction

Most parenting methods are about some kind of idea or concept of what works in raising a child. Embodied parenting is the exact opposite – it is not an idea, it is a lived experience where the parent’s body sensation and experience becomes the anchor which allows them to hold space for a child to explore and develop. The parent responds, guides, and leads (when appropriate) from a state of direct felt response to the needs of the child, not from an abstract idea. So responses arise in the moment, unique to that situation, person, experience. Since each child is unique, this means that individual children get what they actually need. This builds a sense of being valued, seen, understood and loved. We’re going to unpack this in simple terms in this article so don’t worry if your thoughts are telling you this is hard. It isn't.

Nuero-divergent children benefit from this approach to parenting because they don't fit norms to a large extent and so need direct present attention. Highly sensitive children need this form of parenting more than others as they find it so painful to be around adults who are not fully there with them. They require much more precise and detailed attention in order feel seen, loved and fulfilled, and the opposite outcome is melt-down or trauma. This is largely because they have more difficulty in locating their sense of self because their emotions and impulses are so easily blotted out by those of other people around them. Being isolated and alone is so much worse for them because they feel it way more, so being fully present becomes much more important with these children as a parent

So what is the point of Embodied Parenting?

In essence, embodied parenting is about learning to hold space for a child. What that means is not a nebulous concept - it is an actual active attitude of being fully there, breathing, watching, listening, responding to the child, without one’s own expectations, anxiety, needs or emotions in the way. In other words, being fully available for the child.

It sounds very simple – and it is. It’s a practise that anyone can learn. And yet it takes practise, repetition and getting used to. Jsut like a new sport or dietary habit. And sometimes quite a lot of individual growth and healing work happen along the way to integrate some of the biggest childhood wounds so you can give your own living child what you never had yourself.

You can’t hold a proper neutral space for another if your own adult needs and demands are shouting for attention so loud that you can’t fully focus on the child. Once you have learnt to calm yourself at will (regulate your emotions), to feel, focus and be present in the body, your child experiences you as fully there and present with them, and that's where the growth, connection and trust happens. And that’s the essence of it.

How do you become and Embodied Parent?

You learn to embody yourself. And you do that by accepting, welcoming and regulating (parenting) the sensations and emotions in yourself that come up as you go about your daily life. You learn to calm down when triggered, to allow sensations of heat, pressure, movement that arise when you are angry or frustrated. You learn to breathe through anxiety or fear. To let waves of sadness pass through and cry, but not to get caught up in mental stories of blame.

Once you have begun to experience how this goes you can start practising it whilst interacting with your child. When they push your buttons and make you mad you can breathe and allow the rising pressures and tensions without letting fly at your child, and stay present with yourself and them until perspective returns and you can see the deeper need your child is expressing, or the limit that you need to set and enforce from the pit of your belly. 

What do you do with Persistent Triggers?

 Nobody is immune to issues that push your buttons repeatedly. If something comes up over and over again and doesn’t seem to integrate or change, the cause is often not within your immediate grasp to change. What many people don’t realise is that their unconscious emotional and body memory affects how they respond today. And not just theirs, but their ancestors, and anything in the family, geographical and even global ancestry that hasn’t been fully felt and integrated. What I personally use to clear those patterns and sensations is a method called Ancestral Clearing – which can be done remotely, and combines elements of craniosacral therapy with family constellation work. Its faster and deeper than any other practice I have encountered – even than hands on craniosacral therapy. It helps to have some experience of feeling sensation in the body from yoga, bodywork, other emotional practices, but it is not essential. You may not understand how important it is to move through and dissolve these blocks until the first one disintegrates. Many of the patterns we have that are how “we think we just are” are nothing to do with us at all. They are accumulated traumas and patterns handed down to us that push the currents of our lives in predetermined directions that have little to do with our individual will and desire for how we would like things to go. And yet we seem powerless to act differently – until we directly address these blocks. I have heard there are other methods - like certain forms of Tapping that can also have similar effects. The body-mind technology to do this is thankfully becoming more available and widespread currently.

Parenting as a Spiritual Practice

Children are such a massive gift because they show us what and where these issues are without even meaning to. Just by being themselves with their unconstrained life energy they constantly trigger our stuck points. When these unconscious issues clear so much can change – emotional state, physical pain and health, relationship, financial issues – it's endless. Instead of going through life struggling and suffering you can shift into new unimagined possibilities for yourself. And all you have to do is to be open to looking inside yourself. Doesn’t that change your perspective on their misbehaviours? It will once you begin to see how they can lead you in a process of total transformation if you are willing.

 What are the benefits of Embodied Parenting?

One of the main benefits that parents report is having confidence in knowing what to do and say in difficult family situations where they would have struggled or floundered in the past. This knowledge comes through from the embodied connection to your inner wisdom – it's like having an infinite internet connection to source wisdom. The deeper you connect inside, the more you just know and sense things. It’s a truly wonderful experience.

Another is knowing that your children have someone solid that they can depend on – they will grow up with a good sense of self-worth, and a connection to their own emotional guidance systems and intuition, which means they can avoid endless later therapy and medications. Overall improved health and ease in life is a guaranteed result, especially if your child is nuerodiverse – highly sensitive, ADHD, Aspergers, Tourettes, and so on. Many adults can remember how alone and misunderstood they felt as a child – wouldn’t it be wonderful to offer your child something different?

 Another massive benefit is less guilt – you won’t actually be unconsciously passing on all your own emotional baggage to your children because you are learning to own it by sensing your body and deal with it by clearing persistent triggers. This means you are creating a clear space – like a clearing in the woods – where your child can bring through their own talents and creative gifts more easily rather than live out your unfulfilled dreams. They will actually have space to express and grow into themselves rather than trying on other people’s working models to see what fits best. Which would you rather they had access to? 

In Summary... 

It goes without saying that becoming andembodied parent involves embodying more of yourself, which is beneficial for your own basic physical and mental health, not to mention improving relationships, work, and finances. Anything that clears the path for your authentic self to emerge will support this, and this is basically what your children are there to reflect to you if you are willing to listen. There’s a lot more to be said, but I’ll leave it there for now. If you have neurodivergent or highly sensitive children then any step you make in this direction will benefit you all greatly. If this introduction interests you, you’re welcome to book a parenting clarity call to see how this work could support your individual situation and family issues. There is also an introductory workshop listed in the resources below.

COOL RESOURCE

If you struggle with limiting screen time and don't want a socially incapable silent, brooding teenager in the future then check out my colleagues workshop - Susan Stiflemann is offering 50% off at the moment on her Tech Wise Parenting Short Course. 

UPCOMING EVENTS

I will be holding a Workshop on Being Enough as a Parent - on Sunday 4th of August 2024.

This will include a powerful meditation to connect with your soul and an intention setting. Please email me to book a place if you want to come as numbers are limited to allow individual attention. 

CONNECT WITH ME

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/EmpatheticParents
Email: mirwatsonmedia@gmail.com
Blog: www.mirawatson.com