From Me to You 

One of the things I love about being in New Zealand is that people generally have more time to stop and chat. Wherever you are, even amongst complete strangers, the general attitude is to take time to stop, look, be present and answer questions. To take in the other fully and respond properly. I really appreciate it, being someone who practises being present with others but rarely gets the favour returned. It feels relaxing and gentle, warm and inclusive to be treated this way by people I have never met before. Since I have been here my whole body has relaxed a few notches as a result. I’m getting used to people being kind and open, and having time to relate, and I wonder why this doesn’t happen more generally in the world. It’s so obviously necessary for general well-being.

I was recently out on a farm helping a family pick up maize after the combine harvester had been through, and two little girls spent hours telling me about their lives, their experiences, friends, observations and more. All I did was listen and respond, but it was so apparent from the way that they were coming alive that they were thirsty for this kind of listening and attention. They began to come out of their shells and interact more fluidly, to ask questions, laugh, and really express themselves. It was wonderful to witness, and at the same time sad that they were so in need of some presence from an adult.

ARTICLE: The Best Parenting Present - PRESENCE

Being with those children got me thinking (again) about parents being present with their children, and how under-rated and underemphasised this is in our achievement-based doing and thinking-oriented culture. It has long been known in the neurobiology field that for children’s brains to develop they need to be mirrored by a present adult – and this is not only essential for brain development but also for a robust sense of self and self-esteem.

And yet modern city life (rural life is different) pushes adults to take on so much that their focus is on doing, getting places on time, ticking off lists and getting through the day. Being is totally secondary – and even often considered a luxury for the weekends or holidays, when in fact it needs to be an essential daily component of family life if children are to be able to develop. Being has to precede doing for a child to be able to stay connected with their own centre, their agency, and a strong sense of self-worth.

The kind of respect and attention to a child as an equal that supports development is not hard to give. And yet it isn't generally taught or modelled - these days it appears almost old-fashioned in its focus on respect. It simply involves being able to connect with the body, get out of the head and just be there without thinking. And to have the basic attitude that the child in front of you is an individual in their own right worthy of respect and full consideration. This kind of parental presence is what I teach parents through a method I call embodied parenting – where you learn to be and really look, see, observe and notice in a way that supports your children’s growth and self-awareness. It’s the only method I know that really works for highly sensitive and neurodivergent children to feel seen and loved. This is partly because they perceive relationship energetically, so you have to actually relate fully - you can't get away with half listening or pretending. So if you are parenting one of those then here’s your lifeline! Not only can it help you to not react to your emotional triggers and connect with your child and build trust. It can also enable you to see what is really going on and find solutions to ongoing family issues. When parents come to me with a difficult issue with their child, or simply don't know what to do, we always start with just being present with the child and noticing. It is really not hard for anyone to master, and yet it does go counter to what schooling, work and culture teaches – which is living in the thinking mind, detached from the emotions and body. Apart from enabling your children to grow, it can improve all your relationships, improve your health, your work and also your longevity.

The irony is it's not about doing anything differently or learning more. It's just about learning to be there with your child without necessarily doing anything at all. It makes all the difference. 

If you’re interested in learning more then have a look at the free workshop offered below.

UPCOMING EVENTS

The next online workshop (zoom) will be an intention setting for your Parental Presence: on Monday the 8th of April at 8-9pm GMT. Places are limited so please reply by email before 31st March to reserve your place and sign up. Feel free to invite anyone you know who needs this for their family.

COOL RESOURCE

If you haven't read it yet, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is an all-time classic on how to be present. The reason I love it so much is that as you read it you become more present. It's also worth watching any of his U-tube videos or interviews to get a feel of his work because he transmits presence directly.  

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